These are some of my random thoughts
These are all original, so now you know what’s really going on in my head when I say “Huh, I wasn’t paying attention”…
Please note that these were written sequentially since the website started in the Summer of ’03….
- The Phillies should be playing better than they are…so should Oakland, but at least they’re notorious for being a second half club…
- Sosa was just trying to get an edge coming off the injury and the 0-fers…
- Pujols is good, are we sure he’s not 28 y.o….or even a robot or something…
- I can’t believe the Mets have thrown 3 straight 1 hitters…
- I love you Biggio, but hang’em up…
- Rice has a better pitching staff than the Tigers…and maybe better hitters…
- Eric Byrnes plays hard…
- Go Spurs Go (I know they already won, but hey)…
- Congrats Rice…
- Charmin Ultra v. Charmin Plus, what the heck is the difference? We went w/ Ultra with Aloe & E, and we’re not regretting it…
- When I was in elementary school, I remember teachers telling us “if someone is chasing you around the playground, just stop running and they can’t chase you anymore”—NewsFlash—When you stop, they catch up and pound you; that’s why you were running in the first place…
- After many hours of deliberation and questioning friends and foes, I’ve decided that the cleanest place in a public restroom is the button on the hand blow drier…the dirtiest, is the flusher…
- Is it funny when people hurt themselves? Then why do we laugh when we see “Jack-ass” or “America’s Funniest Home Videos”?…
- I’ve seen so many summer league basketball highlights because of LeBron James, I’m starting to think that maybe SportsCenter needs to pick up javelin throwing to fill more time that used to be used for real sports…
- My engineer buddies sometimes make 30s on tests but that’s equivalent to a B-If they only understand 30% of the material do we really want them designing buildings we’re going to have to actually go into?…
- The guy who invented bubble packing sheets needs a Nobel Prize…
- It seem strange when I type Ss for short stop and not SS, but when I type 2b instead of 2B, for second base, it looks just fine…
- Don’t ever buy the Arm & Hammer Toothpaste with Baking Soda unless you want to feel like you’re washing your mouth with mint flavored sand…
- How did Mr. Potato Head get to be where he is now? When my potatoes start growing appendages, I toss’em…
- I think the best part of the Aflac insurance commercials is the black guy at the end of all of ’em…his face expressions make me laugh…
- How many people actually buy their Halloween candy 49 days before Halloween? Apparently the grocery stores think people do, b/c the Halloween stuff is out already…
- You know you live in a college town when the local grocery store hires a guy who wears a shirt that says “Keg Runner” Thursday night through Saturday night…
- What exactly is mayonnaise? I couldn’t find anyone to tell me how it is made…
- What’s up with calling and not leaving a message but letting the machine record silence? Here in the year 2003, were you not expecting the answering machine after 4 rings? Even if you weren’t, the generic male robot voice that asks you to leave a message doesn’t even sound like a real person, so hang up before you hear the beep and don’t let 3, 4, or even 5 seconds of silence go by…
- At A&M, guys stand up for girls when there aren’t enough seats on the buses, well I should say most guys…I want to yell at the guys who get on the bus and sit in the seats that were just vacated by other guys for girls and the girls still have to stand…
- The commercials pump you up when they say “Claritin is now available without a prescription” but they don’t tell you that it will cost you $28.99 for 30 12-hour pills and it used to cost a $20 insurance deductible for 30 24-hour pills…
- To those people who cut the bill of their hats so they fray—Do you think everyone thinks that you’re so rugged that your hat is falling apart? Be a bit more realistic–if you really were rock climbing or bear fighting it wouldn’t fray, it would just fall off your head…
- When I say ribbed, flange and sleeve what are you thinking? That’s right ladies and gents, those are the 3 different types of rigid couplings—thanks to my Mechanical & Fluid Power class for that one…
- I know it’s illegal to have open alcoholic beverages inside your vehicle, but what about in the bed of your truck? I saw 2 guys throwing some down in the bed of their buddy’s truck…Leave it to an Aggie to test the law on that one…
- Why is the phrase “Sleep like a baby?”–don’t they sleep for 2 hours and then cry for the rest of the night?…
- Our male waiter winked at me after taking our order–I couldn’t figure out if he was assuring me that my order would be correct or if he didn’t see the ring on Jennifer’s hand…
- One would think that all vacuuming in the library would be done while the library was closed–As I found out while studying for my test, that is not the case for all libraries…
- Apparently, the NHL season started sometime last week. Am I the only person who didn’t know?…Speaking of not knowing—Is the WNBA season over? Did UConn win?…
- The reason our school spends 1000s of dollars on painting 3 foot wide bike lanes on every road on and around campus & put up signs that say “Bikes Only” was to give the bikers a safe place to ride their bikes—SO STOP RIDING UP MY BACK WHEN I’M WALKING ON THE SIDEWALK…
- Why do soft drinks come in a 2 liter bottle? That may be the only thing I’ve ever actually seen measured using the metric system. It should just say 60 oz. or whatever the conversion is…
- Yankees vs. Red Sox in G7 for the pennant, winner takes all, Pedro vs. Clemens—This is playoff baseball…
- Pop quizzes…they’re not cool…
- I’m simply amazed at the marshmallow to cereal ratio of Lucky Charms…it’s virtually perfect…
- I’m watching the playoffs and every night I see this commercial for a prescription drug, Levitra. The commercial shows this guy in his 40s or 50s cleaning out a shack and finding a fully inflated football that has been sitting there for some time. He throws the ball at a tire hanging from a tree and misses and this voice comes on and says, “The new choice is here now, ask your doctor if Levitra is right for you.” Next thing you know, he’s running away from fake linebackers dodging and weaving and putting the ball through the tire while on the run. Then this lady comes out of the house, assumable his wife, and she tries to tackle him. I’m not really big into the medical industry, but Levitra is either an arthritis medicine or an E.D. medicine. If they don’t tell you what the medicine does, do you really want to ask your Dr. about it if you’ve just got some achy bones and it’s for something else?
- Good Feeling: Finishing a Test
Great Feeling: Finishing a test before anyone else in the class, knowing you just aced it
Bad Feeling: Finishing a test before anyone else in the class, but only because you didn’t know more than 1/5 of the answers
- If see the bus pulling up to your stop and you’re still really far away, but want to catch that bus….MAKE IT AT LEAST LOOK LIKE YOU’RE HURRYING. There’s nothing worse than seeing someone flag down the bus right before it pulls away and then walk normal speed towards it. I prefer the light jog, but please at least move your arms faster so the dozens of people already on the bus, who have to wait for you, think you’re trying to get there quickly…
- Finals suck….actually just the studying for finals suck
- I know that ESPN had some success with the World Series of Poker, but the 2003 Scrabble All-Star Championship? For an entire hour? The commentators who talked us through this wonderful event need to find new agents…
- Jim Rome’s radio show would be better if his sentences weren’t so choppy. Read your notes, and then speak. Don’t speak, pause & read notes mid-sentence, speak….And what makes you “the” authority on anything that happens? Stop using “Generation Y” language and start acting your real age (read: mid-30’s)…
- To be a fireman is it required to have a squeaky clean, always washed and waxed pick-up truck?
- Tracy McGrady is in a commercial where he says, “For all you people worried about these kids jumping into the league without getting their education. Don’t worry. I’ll be taking them to school every night.”…..Where did T-Mac go to college???
- With all due respect to Lil� Kim, I think that Barry Bonds stole her �Magic Stick�…
- Smores is a funny word…
- If you put JetPuff jumbo marshmallows in the microwave, they get as big as racquetballs then just kind of pop…not a messy pop, just kind of fall down…
- State Troopers should not be allowed to sit off the side of the interstate with their lights off at night time…that’s just mean and sneaky…
- Minivans should have a governor on the engine at 65 MPH…Get wherever you’re going 15 minutes later, but protect the kids…
- 18-Wheelers should be required by law to stay in the far right lane on a highway, and they should lose their license when they speed…
- It seems to me that the heater in my truck only starts working right when I get where I’m going…
- Since coming back to working in retail I’ve started to wonder “Since when did the answer to ‘How are you doing today’ change to ‘I’m just looking’?”…
- Somewhat recently our local mall changed about two rows of the closest parking spots all to handicap spots for the “mall walkers” who come to the mall before the stores open to walk in A/C….is there an oxymoron in there?
- I was walking out to my truck from Wal-Mart and this guy almost ran me over as I was trying to walk through the parking lot because he didn’t want to wait for me after I started to cross…Since I was parked in the closest spot to the door, I walked past my truck luring him further down the row and then turned around and got in my truck once he was too far past me to get the spot….muahhahahahaha
- I was really nervous after LSU won the Championship and the players were passing that $25,000 crystal ball around….especially because there was pushing and shoving and linemen involved…
- The smell of marshmellows melting in hot cocoa is in my Top 5 favorite smells of all-time…
- When you’re carrying a load of clean laundry from the laundry room of your apartment complex back to your apartment, it really sucks if you drop the stuff from the top of the stack into a puddle of mud when you’re trying to open the gate from the pool area…
- Pat and I were standing in the frozen food section of the grocery store trying to decide which ‘Hungry Man’ dinners we wanted and I pondered aloud, “I wonder who invented frozen dinners?”. After a perfectly timed comedic pause, Pat responded with a straight face, “God.”
- Gas stations should not be allowed to sell cold beer….it seems to me that they’re inviting the consumer to drink and drive…
- Why is it that some college students have the tenacity to walk around campus wearing another school’s hat or t-shirt….if you aren’t happy where you are now, then you should consider transferring….
- Hershey’s has come out with Kit-Kat Minis. Who is it out there that is having difficulty handling a regular sized Kit-Kat bar?
- There is nothing more gross than taking your laundry out of a public washing machine only to find that the washer was dirtier than your clothes were when they went in….finding other people’s hair on them is just nasty
- The people you see with the fish decal on the back of their car that has ‘Darwin’ written inside of it must be pretty hardcore scientists to want to proclaim that to the world by way of their vehicle….
- Someone in the University of Kansas’ Athletic Department must be color blind because their school colors are royal blue and white yet their football team wears navy….
- I don’t think that there is a proper response for when someone comes up to you and says, “Hey man, I saw you at the grocery store the other day.”….All I can come up with is “Yep, I was there.”….
- I’m not sure what to think when a professor gives a pop quiz and after picking up the quizzes and glancing over a few papers goes into a long speech about humor and links it to his philosophy of needing one good laugh per day….and proceeds to read your answer to question #1 aloud to the class…
- I have a professor who will go nameless and he emailed the class an assignment at 4:08pm on a Friday that was due on Monday (the assignment was 35 pages of text, > 130 Qs to answer and meeting with a group of 5 other students to discuss the questions; this particular class only meets on Monday evenings)….that is abusing email privileges….
- As a professor, let me advise you to not walk into a Friday afternoon class and have the first thing that comes out of your mouth be, “Would you all like to just go home?”….then proceed to tell the class that we can leave after we take a short quiz….then in the middle of the 7 minute quiz say that you just want to give a quick, short lecture….then lecture and finally dismiss the normally 50 minute long class 47 minutes after you uttered the sentence “Would you all like to just go home?”….
- It bothers me that I’m not required to sign my credit card receipts at McDonald’s any more….They act as if it’s a convenience for me to not have to sign it….No offense, but the 32 year old with no teeth who is working the drive through is the person that I would like to be protecting myself from….
- The word symmetry should be more symmetrical looking….and the word palindrome should be a palindrome….
- Without looking at one, how accurately and detailed can you draw a penny? It’s amazing that we use those things every single day….
- Bagpipes are not festive instruments….
- I overheard these two people talking….”How are you doing?”….”Oh, I just flew in from California last night.”….Folks, we need to work on our listening skills….
- A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda is the greatest beverage ever created….
- No it’s not….it’s a close second to really good sweet tea….
- Saturday Night Live was interrupted two times the other night here in College Station so we could be brought breaking news. The breaking news was an 18-wheeler turned over and was on fire….IN WACO. For those of you not familiar with central Texas, Waco is just as far from College Station as Houston is (90 miles)….I’m glad I was watching the station where “Local news comes first”….I missed the news bit with Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon….my favorite skit….I’m glad the flames didn’t catch my apartment on fire from Waco….
- Wet shoe laces don’t stay tied for very long….
- Before you get onto a bus or an elevator, let the people getting off get off….
- There was a foreign lady standing at the elevator on-campus the other day and she would push the button for the elevator to come down somewhere in the neighborhood of once every 7 seconds….kinda strange….once we got on the elevator she pushed her floor CONTINUOUSLY until she got there….needless to say, everyone else was a bit uneasy….
- Pat pointed out to me the other day that people will use the phrase “I could care less” when really they should say “I couldn’t care less”….
- If you’re a school and you’re going to cram 200 students into a seating area of approximately 30′ x 60′, and if it’s >80 degrees outside….MAKE SURE THE AIR CONDITIONER WORKS….and as a professor don’t get offended when everyone walks out of your lecture….
- Yoplait is owned by a French company….
- Chef Boyardee doesn’t make Spaghetti-Os….Franco-American does….
- Fun with names:
-Kick Returners for USC in early 70’s: Fred Lynn Swan
-Clemens and Piazza both passed this name in the record books on 5/5/04: Steve Carlton Fisk
- Count my vote for Mickey Mantle having the hairiest arms in the world
- It is my belief that since you aren’t supposed to talk to other people in the library that you should be shot dead if you use your cell phone there….
- I was on-campus walking to one of my finals when an ambulance drove by with the lights and sirens going…..it appears that the CHEM 107 final I took my sophomore year finally killed somebody….
- Is it wrong to not help a student understand a concept right before a test if that student has been the “curve killer” on the first 2 exams in the class?
- In the library they have the clocks hanging from the ceiling attached to the 4 sides of a square fixture so you can see a clock from wherever you’re sitting…..It doesn’t help out any when only one of the clocks reads the correct time and none of the other three read anything within 25 minutes of it….
- The word “quench” is a powerful sounding word….
- I woulda thought that the University of Miami had more than 15,000 students….
- Guys who want to be chivalrous should quickly notice that when opening a door for a lady you should push the side of the door that is opposite to the box at the top….you won’t look like a goober….
- What happens if you’re driving in a school zone and the lights start flashing after you pass the sign?
- USA Today reports that the Cliff Notes to The Scarlett Letter outsell the actual book….
- I don’t think there is anything more embarrasing than re-reading a cover letter that you sent with a resume and noticing that your closing read “Sincerely Yours”….
- 2x4s are actually 1.5″ x 3.5″….
- If CVS & Walgreens are going to advertise that they’re open 24 hours/day then someone should notify the 3 that are within 1 mile of my house that closing at 10pm is not cool….
- My high school locker combination was 35-42-15….
- Spring Break for Undergrads: Stay up ’til 4am attending parties
Spring Break for Grad Students: Stay up ’til 4am writing papers
- The advertising for Sports Utility Vehicles (SUVs) has gone over the edge with XUVs (Extreme Utility Vehicles) & FUVs (Family Utility Vehicles)….
- I was recently informed by my wife that the function of jeans is not simply a casual option to slacks, as I always thought, but to just make your butt look not bad….
- If there is a more trashy phrase than “Git’er Done” then I haven’t heard it….
- If the cars on the feeder road are supposed to yield to the cars exiting the highway then why is it that the speedlimit on the HW is 65mph, on the feeder it is 55mph yet on the exit ramp it’s 35mph? You have to slow waaay down just to speed back up again….
- There was a guy who was arrested in a bad part of town and the news reporter was asking some ‘shady’ people if they knew Jack Smith (the guy arrested)….I had to laugh when one guy responded with, “Oh you mean White Boy Jack?”
- Commericals regarding medication….They all say “Ask your doctor if _____ is right for you”….Shouldn’t the doctor be the one giving you the advice?
- When I fill up at the gas station I get the prompt regarding how I want to pay: “Credit at Pump, Debit at Pump, Credit Inside, Debit Inside, Cash Inside” and after selecting credit at pump I swipe my card and then they ask “Credit or Debit”….Do you think I misunderstood the question the first time?
- Deon Sanders was really fast….
- 18-wheelers should never, for any reason, be in the far left lane on the freeway or highway….
- Try to avoid running over ant beds with the lawnmower and don’t forget where they are when you come back around with the weedeater….
- I have an insatiable craving for guacamole….
- The last possible cell in Excel is IV6553….
- When kids are out of school for a holiday I think the schools should be required to turn off the blinking school zone lights….Unnecessarily going 20 mph for 2 or 3 blocks is not cool….
- Can soap be dirty?
- I like listening to Johnny Cash in the morning because it is the only time I can hit all the low notes….
- You know that H&R Block is feeling pressure from the D.I.Y. TurboTax when they start offering scratch-and-win games for using them to do your taxes….
- I was looking through the junkmail folder in my email account and I had an email in there from “Grandma” and the subject was “GettingNasty”….that might be the least persuasive combination of words in the English language to get someone to open an email….
- If you’re eating chocolate gold coins make sure you take the foil off both sides before consumption….
- Burnt popcorn is one of the worst common household odors….
- If you chose to smoke, instead of exhaling over your shoulder into my face how about you blow it in your own face….
- If I’m on a public school bus (that I’m paying to ride) I don’t think I should have to listen to religious music….
- I am cautious anytime I interact with a guy wearing a barrette….or a beret….
- I think I’m opposed to people who try and regulate the speed of traffic by purposely driving slow in order to slow others down….
- When you hear the name Roy Williams which sports figure’s face pops into your head?
- Why doesn’t an ant die when you drop it from shoulder level? If you scaled it out it would seem like that would be the equivalent of a human falling off of a skyscraper….
- Is it bad that when I hear the name Bush I instantly think of Reggie and not George?
- My unscented deodorant actually has a pretty nice scent to it….
- You know you’re listening to a spring training game when it takes 3 innings of radio broadcast before you recognize a player’s name that helps you figure out which team is batting….
- When I last got my haircut they gave me a free bottle of shampoo. I thought it was a promotional thing but after using the shampoo I have come to the conclusion that they were just trying to get rid of the stuff because it sucks….
- I just read that Preston Wilson’s uncle is also his step-father….A guy by the name of Mookie. Red Sox fans might remember him….
- I also just read that Preston was valedictorian of his HS….I wonder how many major leaguers were valedictorians?
- So the lady at the grocery store who was using her cell phone as a juke box so we could all enjoy her wonderful (and tasteful) song selection was not only the same lady who unloaded a full cart of groceries in the “10 Items or Less” lane but just so happened to be the same lady who parked illegally in the fire lane while she was shopping so she didn’t have far to walk….
- I just realized that Chubbs from Happy Gilmore is the same guy who played Apollo Creed in Rocky….who is really Carl Weathers who played himself in Arrested Development….
- I also just realized that Adrian from Rocky is Connie Corleone from The Godfather….
- If you didn’t figure it out I’m watching Rocky II right now….
- HOFer, Bruce Sutter, used the same glove throughout his entire 12-year career….
- So I don’t particularly care for turkey and Jennifer doesn’t like it….yet last night, for some bizarre reason, we had turkey for dinner at our house….I’m not really sure why any turkey was even in our house….
- I think Jerry Jeff Walker would do a good version of Sweet Caroline….
- Soup is way better in the winter than the summer….
- If there was an official title of “Best Frozen Pizza Maker” I would would be the reigning champion….
- Pint glasses don’t fit in the cup holder of my truck very well….
- Floor length urinals become tricky when wearing sandles….
- Ant bites suck, especially on your knuckles….until you get to pop them….
- Werther’s Originals has come out with a sugar-free version of the candy….should they still be able to call it Werther’s Original?
- When you catch a foul ball (or a t-shirt from a t-shirt gun) it is still fair game to others until you hoist it triumphantly over your head….
- I’d like to hear Will Farrell sing Sean Paul’s song, “Give It Up To Me”….
- McDonalds makes over $1.3M each day on coffee alone….
- When you hear that the two buddies who created MySpace sold it for $580 million you’re like, “That’s chump change”….but only because the two kids who created YouTube got $1.65 BILLION….
- I think that when a team’s mascot is a Wildcat its kind of sissy….Pick a specific cat….that would be like naming a team the Horses instead of the Mustangs or Broncos….be more decisive….
- Dikembe Mutombo has, hands down, the coolest voice on the face of the planet…
- It bothers me that oil companies are reporting their highest earnings ever and all of a sudden I am forced to pay 75 cents to get 15 seconds of air for my tires…
- If you run a business in the service industry, like a barber shop, and I’ve been coming to your business for 2 years you should probably not turn me away at 4:59 when you close at 5pm because I will be looking for a new place to get my hair cut….
- If you see a tow-truck on the side of the road with his hood up you should call all of your friends and then race over honking your horn as if it is vital that you get there immediately and then surround the wrecker and just sit and watch….
- Starbucks likes to let you feel good knowing that they are using all recycled materials for their cups and napkins but they sure don’t tell you that they are the biggest theives in the nation selling a cup of coffee for $5….
- Swiss Miss hot chocolate is the best….
- Eating a raw tongue….that is what eating sushi tastes like….
- Wouldn’t it spice things up at the doctor office if every now and then one of the lollypops tasted like something bizzare….salt….rubber….pennies….leather….soap….
- Radio commericals should not be allowed to use police sirens or honking car horns in their ads. I always freak out when they do….
- If $50-barrels of oil are the lowest since I started driving, then why does it cost $2.10 to fill up when it cost only $0.91 when I got my license?
- I’ve got a burrito in the freezer and the heating instructions say: “Microwave: Heat in microwave for 2 minutes. Oven: Preheat over to 350 degrees. Cook for 25-30 minutes.” I’d like to meet the one person doesn’t say “Screw that” as they stick it in the microwave.
- I’d like to give Acie Law a high-five….
- Wearing a black Under Armour shirt seems to be counterproductive….
- If you fell into a pool of Jell-O, would you drown or could you swim?
- What about a pool of pudding?
- Why on earth are Crocs fashionable?
- My chair at work was made on December 8th, 1975….it is 6 years older than I am….
- Jennifer’s keylime juice had a label that said, “May contain lime extract from Mexico.” Am I the only one who feels it’s a little concerning that they aren’t sure?
- I’ve changed my mind again. A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda is indeed the greatest beverage ever created….
- If you have ever cut your foot after stepping on a dried up contact lens that you lost the day before, then I can attest to your discomfort….
- The reason nobody knows their neighbors anymore is because nobody actually works in their yard anymore….
- Seriously, what happened to a 40 hour work week?
- The five senses need to numbered. I suggest (1) Sight, (2) Sound, (3) Scent, (4) Touch, (5) Taste….
- When will cough medicine companies finally call the folks at Jelly Belly?
- I was sent to the store to pick up some bagel chips. One would think that they would be in either the bagel or the chip section. If one was to think that they would be incorrect….
- The other day I saw a Mustang with a trailer hitch….I laughed at that….
- Radio stations shouldn’t be allowed to use sirens or car horns in their commercials….
- Have you ever watched your tongue while brushing your teeth? It’s kinda creepy…..
- Driving a Porsche in a parade has to be some sort of sick torture….
- Insulation makes me itch….
- I was buying some Gatorade the other day and trying to figure out what flavor to buy but there is no way to know what these flavors taste like….Riptide Rush? Glacier Freeze? What does a glacier taste like?
“Welcome to Kyle Field. For those of you visiting for the first time, please do not be alarmed. The press box will move during the Aggie War Hymn.”
—A Sign Inside the Kyle Field Press Box
“The only place you can leave Alabama for,” Franchione said, “is heaven.” A slow smile spread across his face.
“There are 85,000 people standing the entire game, waving their 12th Man towels–it’s unreal. Kyle Field and the 12th Man lived up to, and exceeded every expectation we had for them. Last Saturday in Aggieland proved without a doubt, one of the most special memories I’ll ever have from College Gameday.”
—Kirk Herbsteit, ESPN College Gameday
“My god, it was terrorizingly loud!”
—Kansas State strong safety Jarrod Cooper on Kyle Field
“It’s just an unbelievable atmosphere. Even though we tried to prepare for the crowd noise, it was above and beyond anything that we could prepare for.” ”
—former Colorado head coach Gary Barnett
“It (Kyle Field) is one of the most intimidating places to play in the country.”
—Florida head coach Urban Meyer
“Texas A&M, which has about 43,400 students, is one of the state’s more powerful institutions, noted particularly for the devotion it inspires among its graduates. A&M alumni contribute twice as much money to their alma mater as do University of Texas alumni whose numbers are 33% greater. Graduates of A&M, called Aggies, are known in business circles for a strong work ethic and a highly cultivated sense of loyalty and leadership.”
—The Wall Street Journal
“Modern stars are healthier, bigger, and they receive better individual instruction.”
—Cincinnati Reds GM, Gabe Paul 1956
“There might be a kid in the stands, or five kids or ten, who had never seen me play or would never see me play again. I burned to be the best there was for them, to leave them with a good memory of me.”
“Joe, you never heard such cheering.”
“Yes I have.”
—Dialogue between Marilyn Monroe & Joe Dimaggio after Marilyn had spent their honeymoon with the soldiers in Japan and was trying to justify it to her new husband
“The present crop of big leaguers does not think enough. He feels he has arrived. The result is less intelligent baseball and a bit of laziness.”
—Tris Speaker, 1926
“The great trouble with baseball today is that most of the players are in the game for the money.”
—Ty Cobb, 1925
“Joe is entitled to his opinion, and any opinion Joe has, I pay attention to. There’s nobody I’ve met who understands baseball as thoroughly as Joe Morgan.
“But Joe’s human. And Joe falls into the old-timer trap. His memories of the old days tend to be rosier than the reality of the old days. I’m forever finding things from Joe’s era that weren’t as great as he remembers.”
—Jon Miller,Confessions of a Baseball Purist
“The hardest thing to do in baseball is to hit a round baseball with a round bat, squarely.”
“They (Expos fans) discovered ‘boo’ is pronounced the same in French as it is in English.”
“Aw, how could he (Jorge Ortega) lose the ball in the sun, he’s from Mexico.”
“Great players make great coaches, but great coaches make champions.”
—Darrel K. Royal
“Looking at the ball going over the fence isn’t going to help.”
“The pitcher has got only a ball. I’ve got a bat. So the percentage of weapons is in my favor and I let the fellow with the ball do the fretting.”—Hank Aaron
“Don’t let laziness be an excuse.”
—Lance, from my Physics class
“What is right is not always popular. What is popular is not always right.”
“What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?”
—Pat Healy, There’s Something About Mary
Greg: Don’t worry about your little covert op, I’ll keep it on the low down.
Denny: Down low.
Greg: No doubt.
—Meet the Parents
“A good friend of mine used to say, ‘This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.’ Think about that for a while.”
—Skip from Bull Durham
Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell’s going on out here?
Crash Davis: Well, Nuke’s scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man’s here. We need a live… is it a live rooster?
Crash Davis: . We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose’s glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.
[to the players]
Crash Davis: Is that about right?
[the players nod]
Crash Davis: We’re dealing with a lot of shit.
Larry: Okay, well, uh… candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she’s registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let’s get two! Go get ’em.
“I could have played another year, but I would have been playing for the money, and baseball deserves better than that.”
“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”
“Did you kill a cheetah?”
–E.L., Road Trip
“It’s supposed to be a challenge, it’s a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way.”
–Ruben, Road Trip
“I didn’t care about the statistics in anything else. I didn’t, and don’t pay any attention to the statistics of the stock market, the weather, the crime rate, the gross national product, the circulation of magazines, the ebb and flow of literacy among football fans and how many people are going to starve to death before the year 2050 if I don’t start adopting them for $3.69 a month; just baseball. Now why is that? It is because baseball statistics, unlike the statistics in any other area, have acquired the powers of language.”
—Bill James, 1985 Baseball Abstract
I think Bill and I are maybe the same person, but he’s older, wiser, much, much richer and has a job with the Red Sox…